This is my state of mind.
I have been telling myself that I always wanted to be an actor, like millions of other aspiring models. Some foolishness inside me told me that I am better than them. And after winning a reality show for actors, at a regional level my faith was refreshed, in myself. Well that brought me to Mumbai. I met reality here. I met someone called 'Me' here. He seemed to be nice, friendly, open, way too optimistic and ambitious to me. But he was a fool... he believed in dreams. He believed dreams come true.
Well soon i met 'Me' and made him a part of me. We both began to co-exist. We became one.
But I cant understand what's going on in my mind right now.
Books I am currently reading – The devil and miss prym – Paulo Coelho
Red earth and pouring rain – Vikram Chandra
Screenplay – Syd Field
Harry Potter – The order of the Phoenix – You know who
The great indian novel – Shashi tharoor
The age of Shiva – Manil Suri (Just started)
Books I am currently writing – Gods Dont Lie – Writing the second draft
Him – Just 4 chapters on paper
5 Years later – Just 2 chapters on paper
I have a regular 10 to 6 (actually 12 to 8) job at a Radio Station, (I am a writer there), plus I am writing 3 daily non-fiction TV shows (all currently on-air), high society sangeet scripts and some articles for a newspaper (on & off).
I have been very irregular on the blog though. Coz i suddenly realized there are only 24 hrs in a day.
Thats not the point though. It feels like I am not writing. Feels like I am not doing enough. Feels like I can do much more than this.
I want to help someone live a better life. I want to heal the wounds I have caused, also the ones I havent. I want to touch someone's life, in a way no one has ever done before.
I want to make a difference to someone's life.
These are the things I want to do.
Materialistically speaking, I want to do advertising. I want to win awards. I want to put myself in a situation that I cant handle.
I dont know why I am so ruthless with myself. I dont know why I want to push myself into something that I cant do, or i believe I cant do.
Is it beacuse I was immobile for 2 years (due to an accident)? Is it because I think I started too late in life? Is it because everyone around me knew it was not possible?
Why do I have to prove a point? Always. I have to prove someone wrong all the time. Why? Is it just a state of mind? Or a state of existence?
Why do I remember that the empty cold drink can, lying on the ground last night, was moving from left to right, and not right to left? Why do I remember the folds in the aluminium foil of a friends lunch box? Why do I remember the way I folded the morning newspaper yesterday? Why?
Is there a reason why I feel the hollow in my writing?
Am I making up for the lost time? Is this permanent? Is this a state of mind?
4 comments:
Hey dont be so confused ya chill its life !! ur 2 years on bed r not waste !! infact i consider it as ur second life it has some pupose. so keep doing ur work,be a Good husband,be good humanbeing like ur already continue and above all love urself!!!!!!!!
I don't think its normal, but I find myself wondering if you finally picked up that empty cold drink can and put it in a dustbin!!
I think its perfectly okay to have this state of mind, to feel like there are 2 people living in you, who want to do different things! I want to be a mom and a wife who makes good food, I want to be a wildlife photographer. I want to travel the world and go on culture trips, I want to sit at home and water my plants!!! And all I do is sit and wonder if doing all this is possible!
I think what we want, from life and ourselves, changes a lot over time. And we don't have to do all of those things, somethings just get erased from the list, new things are added... So I think, over time, you will do some of these things you want to do, and some would remain, but you'll always find more to add to the list.
And, since I've reached that stage where I've forgotten what my point was, I'll stop :-)
well..well..well..as if the blog was not enough..the comments have made me think..i am a simple normal person who probably can't think this deep..but i am thinking is this the same guy who excitedly played Wii a few nights back at my place..
Awesome blog.. got me thinking.. which is pretty tough.. !!
Post a Comment