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I am not happy these days. The reason? I dont know.
In a couple of days i will be 30. It's supposed to be the saddest day for some. But, i have no feelings.
Technically, its the intermission in anyone's life. For what's the point of living past 60 anyway. But I am sure that's not the reason why I am not happy.
I have always kept myself behind a wall. Never wrote anything that has got anything to do with my state of mind.
I have no friends. I chose it to be this way. I dont regret this one bit.
Dont think I regret anything that I did or wanted to do.
This is the first time I am writing something that I am feeling. This is about me. And this is my blog. If you dont want to read then buzz off.
I feel I am a stranger to myself. Are their any particular characteristics that make me? Some people, close to me, would like to say yes. But do they really know? Are they sure? I feel everyone can only have an opinion. A perception. A derivate. A version of the truth. But there has to be a truth.
I have known myself only through some people's thoughts. Rather versions/perceptions about me. But dont know how far they hold good.
I dont know what a person thinks of me, when he/she meets me for the first time. I dont think i care for that. But that would help me know myself.
Dont know what makes me happy. Dont know what makes me sad. Dont know when was the last time I was so excited that I could have jumped off the terrace. Dont know what makes a man.
I dont understand relationships. I dont know what it takes to make/break them. I dont understand people. I think all relationships are made on the basis of right and wrong. And everyone has a perception about it anyway. And universally, no two perceptions ever match.
I have felt strong love. And strong hatred. I think in some cases strong love changing into strong hatred and vice versa too. Emotions become so strong sometimes that they create a blur.
But right now, I am definitely not going through any such emotional blur.
I say all I wanted to do in life was make money. Dont know if that was true. I dont think I ever had an ambition.
Now, just before the intermission of my life, I realize I dont know anything about myself. I am thinking so much about myself that i think I am selfish. Selfish people love themselves.
But if you cant love your yourself, then how will you know 'love' or love anyone else.
Its a difficult state of mind, this. I have questions. I want clarity. I want to see life, like everyone else does. I dont want to be different. I want to be 'run of the mill'. I want to be common, regular.
I want to be happy.
Anyone can say that I should look beyond 'myself'. I think you define everything around you, on the basis of what you are. I dont see a foundation, in that case.
Its unrest. Its sad. I am not happy. The reason? I dont know.